Triple Nipple Sandwich

I'm sorry about the title. You can blame my imaginative son for that one.

My son wanted to pack a lunch for school today, so last night he began to make his lunch all by himself. I let him be in the kitchen while Jamin and I caught up on The Office from last week.

He called out a few moments later "look at my sandwich. I call it the triple nipple sandwich!" Jamin and I giggled a bit and glanced over there. I decided to go see what he had made. I'm glad I did this. His sandwich consisted of two slices of raw bacon, dry bread, a leaf of lettuce and some strawberries, sliced perfectly.

He was so proud of his "triple nipple sandwich" I just hated to burst his bubble and throw it away, but I couldn't let him eat raw bacon, seriously. I explained to him how it would have been a wonderful sandwich had he cooked the bacon, he seemed to understand this. I then got him out some roast beef and cheese, mayo and the fix-in's and watched him make a more appropriate sandwich.

I'm just thankful I went over and examined his sandwich! Could you imagine what his teacher would have thought seeing raw bacon on bread. She would have called CPS for sure.

Dognapped!

Ok, so I only thought that dogs got stolen in Disney movies and in episodes of Seinfield, but I was wrong.

We have a Shitsu (Nikki) who is about 16 years old. She doesn't do much but sleep, eat and occasionally go pee outside (if she hasn't all ready peed on my living room floor). This morning I let her out to pee, five minutes later I check on her and she is still sniffing around. I check on her because she somehow ALWAYS manages to find her way out of our yard. She is a dog version of Houdini.

I go tend to the kids, and a few moments later look out and she is gone. I walk up and down the street, because she is so old she could not have gone anywhere that quickly. She is not on our block. The neighbors behind us have no fence, so she could have got into their subdivision which is different than ours and you can only get there by driving. So, I pack up the kids who are still in their pajamas, and barefoot. I also have one of the neighbor kids with me. We all head out to drive around in search for Nikki. She has a number on her tag so I notify Jamin that if someone calls to call me and let me know.

I search all around and can't find her anywhere. My phone rings Jamin informs me that someone found her and took her to the vet because "she had an infection with her eye and they were afraid that she was not well taken care of and she needed medical attention."

At this point I was livid. Why on earth would someone take the liberty of taking her to the vet without calling the number on the tag first? Especially if it was not a life threatening issue.

I head to the vet, steaming. I find this guy walking around the parking lot of the "pet resort" (not kidding) they took her to on his cell phone, but Nikki is no where in sight. I get out of the car, and ask where my dog is. He then informs me that he is calling his fiance to find out where the dog is. Hello? I thought she was at the vet? He then hands me her collar. This is getting stranger and stranger. By then, I'm really peeved. Anyone that knows me, knows I have a hot temper. At this point I SHOULD have kept my mouth shut, but I just absolutely cannot. I say to him "I'm curious as to why you would bring her to the vet rather than just call the number that was on her tag." and he could see I was visibly angry with him. He then said "lady, I'm just trying to do the right thing and help. I don't appreciate you getting hostile with me." We exchanged a few more words, then he got back on his phone. Still, no Nikki. I turn around to tell the kids in the car to be quiet and when I look again, the guy is gone. I then see him peeling out of the parking lot five seconds later.

I go inside the vet, thinking she is inside. She isn't there. I call Jamin and he answers and I told him the guy left. Jamin said yes, the guy just called him. He had called Jamin and lit into him. He then proceeded to call me a B*&%^ to my husband. That was NOT the right thing to do. Jamin lit into him. The guy then physically threatened Jamin over the phone. Jamin then explained to him calmly that he was calling the police due to the physical threat and the fact that they had taken our dog.

During this time I called the Pet Palace (ok, pet RESORT). What actually happened. The lady brought in Nikki NOT with the intention of getting her medical attention, but to get her groomed. She had planned on KEEPING MY DOG! They told her they couldn't groom her not knowing her shot record, and she would have to go to the vet. They transferred me to the vet, the vet said they told the lady Nikki's age and that was it, she then left with the dog. I told the vet she had a tag and they were flabbergasted they said "She had a tag?" they couldn't believe that the lady brought her in if she had a tag on. They were as confused as I was.

In the meantime Jamin calls me back and said the lady (not her husband) would meet me at the parking lot of a local grocery store to give me the dog back. Jamin wasn't about to let that guy near me. So I head up there and get my dog back.

This lady had every intention of keeping my dog, until we threatened to call the police, because she assumed she was not taken care of because she hadn't had a haircut in some time and assumed that we were poor owners.

This HAS to be one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me!

Guess Who?

A few weeks ago when I was garage sell looking at (see previous blog entry for full details), I ran across the kids game "Guess Who" for $2. It had never even been played.

Now, if you ask Lanie about this game she will most likely roll her eyes. I made her play it. ALOT. The thing is, as a kid I LOVED games but nobody ever really liked to play games with me, looking back I know why because I was a sore looser and a cheat. I'm still a sore looser, but I've gotten better, but thankfully I no longer feel the need to cheat.

Anyhow, once again I'm getting away from the point of this blog.

Watching my kids play this game was a painful yet amusing experience. This was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. For the first few rounds we played it with them, to let them get the hang of it and they did fine. Finally we stepped back and let them have a go at it. Here is how it went down:

Brett: Does your guy not have maybe a hat?

Myah: Yes

Her character did have a hat by the way. She had no clue what Brett was asking, and it was hard for us to decipher what he had said

Myah: Does yours have a hat?

Wow original question there Myah

Brett: No. Does your's have ear hair?

Myah: No.

Her's had hair OVER the ears, not coming OUT of them, which I think is what he meant, so I piped in because at this point I was about to scream

Myah: Does yours have a beard?

Brett: No. Is yours funny looking?

At this point Jamin and I have tears rolling down our cheeks

Anyhow, you get the idea. The game goes on and on like this and nobody wins obviously. It was so much fun to watch them. Jamin and I then played the "politically incorrect" version of Guess Who.

Julie: Is your character currently wearing adult diapers?

Jamin: Uh, no. Was your character in a seventies adult film?

Julie: No. Does your character possibly own a 7 Eleven?

Jamin: Yes, possibly. Is your character from the inner city?

Julie: No. Is your character listed online in a database for offenders?

Jamin: Hmmm...possibly. Does your character have "secrets" hidden in the backyard?

Julie: Oh yeah, absolutely.


Yes, we are TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, PEOPLE...but funny.