Things I thought I'd never say.

When you become a parent you truly say things that you NEVER in a million years could picture yourself saying, things like "please don't lick the shopping cart handle," and "dear God he stuck something up his nose again..."  (emphasis on the AGAIN part).

Every time I turn around they are doing something so ridiculous, you look at them and shake your head in astonishment that they are yours, and could swear that they were raised by monkeys instead of civilized parents.

For example today we were at a restaurant and I looked over and my ten year old is shaving a crayon with a knife.  I look at her and just give her the "mom" look and say "Really? Can you please stop shaving the crayon with your knife."  I glance across the table and my two year old has taken her straw out of her drink, and is slurping Sprite directly from the table top to her mouth, lapping it up like a dog.  Where is her straw you ask?  She is using it to sip ranch dressing from a bowl.

Yes, these are my children.

Yesterday they tied a rope to a branch on our tree outside in a swing like fashion.  My husband and I watched from the kitchen window as my oldest decided to try and hang a plastic lawn chair from that very string as some kind of makeshift swing.  This is the point that my husband looks at me and says "so, do I call the ambulance now, or wait and see how this plays out?"

There you are again saying something you never thought you would say in a million years "kids, please don't hang the lawn chair from the tree and try to swing on it." 

Some of the top things I've said as a parent that I thought I'd never say:

• Stop chewing your toenails!
  
• Stop biting my feet!
  
• Honey I need the tweezers, he has a tick on his balls.
  
• Yes doctor he drank pool shock.
  
• No, the cashier at Walgreens is not the midget from Elf.  Please stop asking him that.
  
• Hold still while I pull the eye-shadow sponge out of your nose.
  
• You can NOT spank your friends on their butts while they are peeing at the urinal.
  
• Don't lick your sister!
  
• I found the penny in his poop!  We don't have to take him to the hospital!
  
• Stop playing with the toilet water!
  

Then of course my all time favorite "Please stop licking the shopping cart handle."  (I know I said this before but it's worthy of being mentioned twice.