Fear

For years in my life I have lived in a constant state of fear.  This is totally contrary to what I know in my mind that I should be doing, the problem is that it is a heart issue, and a issue of my constant wavering faith.

I feel that God has been so good to me and has continually blessed me.  However in this state of thankfulness there is an underlying fear that lives there, it is a fear that I'm afraid to speak of or admit that is there, because if I speak of it then it may happen.  If I begin to talk about it and acknowledge it then I have to deal with it, and that is not something that I've ever wanted to do.

It's the fear of "what if".

What if I loose one of my kids.  What if I get cancer like my mother, and leave my family as my mother left me.  What if something were to happens to my husband?  What if, what if, what if...

This fear goes so deep that I can't even talk about it without coming to tears.  If I hear stories of tragedies happening to others I dwell upon those tragedies to a point that is unhealthy, or I avoid the emotions all together.  If I avoid it then I can live in denial that the fear doesn't exist.  I've had such a tragedy happen to me with the loss of my mother when I was younger, and it's a pain that goes so deep I refuse to deal with it.  For me to even talk about it I have to dis-associate myself from the emotion, or it becomes too overwhelming to bear.

Friday I heard that pastor Matt Chandler of The Village Church (who's teachings have stirred many things inside of me) found out on Thanksgiving day that he had a brain tumor, and that he was going in on Friday to have it removed.  The fear started to set in. If it can happen to him, then it can happen to me.  That whole feeling of "you are just one phone call from your knees" sets in.

So, I have been following this all weekend long.  This morning I watched the following video from Matt Chandler.  What he said at the end thoroughly convicted me.

http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvpastor/?p=363

At the end he says "for those of you who live in fear, and continue to live in fear and would try to use this as an excuse to continue in that fear, don't you dare use this to continue in your lies."

Wow.  That leaves me totally speechless.

I live in a constant state of fear.  So, why all of a sudden am I coming out and talking about it?  I have to.  I can't hold onto this anymore, because the fear of "what if" is leaving me in a such state of panic that I can't even enjoy the present. It is becoming clear to me that the time is drawing near to deal with some things, and by writing this I'm ripping off the band-aid and exposing the wound to the world, so I will be forced to deal with it.