A Work In Progress

Ok.  Take a step back.  Breathe.

Something is terribly wrong in this home, and I'm pretty sure that it's me.

The more I try to let things go, to let go of perfection, to care less about what people think the more it eats at me.

The more that God tries to work on this area of my life, the more it hurts.  The harder it gets.

People will be coming into my home in the next few hours and I'm freaking out over the crayon on the walls, the dog hair on my sofa and the clutter in my home.

So I get up and I start cleaning.  As I start to clean I notice a pair of my husbands shorts next to the bed on the floor.  I pick those up.  After I pick those up I realize laundry needs done.  I start collecting a mess of dirty clothes that was strewn about my house.

I come downstairs to load the laundry and notice about a dozen pair of shoes in my basket by the door.  I throw those on the stairs and start making a "go upstairs pile".  I notice pieces of paper that my daughter has thrown all over the floor.  I pick up all the little pieces of paper and I can feel myself getting more frustrated.

Every room I go into has a mess to clean up.  Once I get a room clean, and move onto the next, by the time I go BACK into the first room, there is a NEW mess, a new blanket fort, something else to pick up.

I'm truly chasing a tornado.  My effort is all in vain.

So what do I do rather than give up on perfection?  I cry.  I yell.  I get angry.  I give into my sin and disgusting behavior rather than pray, work on it and do what I need to do.  I take my frustration out on those closest to me, my kids, my husband, my WONDERFUL family.  Those who it will effect the most.  Those who are watching me and learning what it is to be like Christ. 

Then I hate myself.  So I cry more, I feel shame. My sin disgusts me.  It makes me physically ill.  I feel pain in my body, I feel an ache in the pit of my stomach when I allow it to take control.  It hurts.

Then it hits me.  A song I haven't heard in about 25 years.  A song I sung in Sunday School as a kid.  A sweet little tune.

He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

There really ought to be a sign upon the heart,
Don't judge her yet, there's an unfinished part.
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hands.

In the mirror of His Word reflections that I see
Make me wonder why He never gave up on me.
He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the Potter, I'm the clay.

I'm currently taking a parenting class at church.  The other night they used an example of a blacksmith forming a horse shoe.  Sometimes the blacksmith has to bang on it gently to get it the shape that it needs.  Other times he has to apply heat, put it in the fire, to really shape it to where it needs to be.

Right now, I think that God is putting me under the fire.  It burns.  It hurts.  But he is shaping me.  He is making me the wife, the mother the woman I am supposed to be.

Rather than worrying about the way my home looks, I need to worry about my homes atmosphere.  I want people to feel the love of Christ as they walk through my door.  I want them to feel joy.  The wonderful joy that comes from my amazing kids.  I want them to roar with laughter like we do at times.  I want them to experience the feeling of family.

I can't do it on my own.  I need Christ every day to give me strength, and patience.   I need him to make me less selfish.  Because on my own I will only fail.

Most of all I need to realize that He's still working on me.

 ¹ There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.^{[a] 2} For the law of the Spirit of life has set you^[b] free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. ³ For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin,^[c] he condemned sin in the flesh, ⁴ in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. ⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. ⁸ Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.
 ⁹ You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. ¹⁰ But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. ¹¹ If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you. 

 -Romans 8:1-11

 

Cake Update

With the help of my wonderful oldest child we actually produced this:

 

 I'm not ready for Food Network Challenge or anything, but it's definitely our best production yet.  It's passable!

A couple things I learned:

1.  When freezing a cake, do not put it on top of your recently frozen tubs of chicken broth.  It will leave a ROUND imprint in the bottom of your cake, causing you to have to cut off the wrong end.

2.  A butter knife is really NOT the proper tool for spreading icing.  Invest in an icing spatula.  

3.  If you choose to eat the chocolate frosting while you are icing it you will run into a few problems.  First, you may run out of icing for the cake, second you will get it all over your fingers and in turn get it on your cute little flowers.

4.  The words "extra cake" yelled in a house will bring six kids running into the kitchen faster than you have ever seen in your life.  You may want to try that if you ever have a fire in your home.

The WORST cake decorator ever

I consider myself to be pretty crafty and artsy, but there are two things I think I may just need to give up on. The first is sewing. I just have no patience for it. It's kinda like trying to learn to ride a bike when your sixty, with a lot of hard work and patience you could probably do it, but why would you want to?

The second is cake decorating. I go through 4 kids birthdays a year in my house, and you think after several failed attempts that I would just give up, but no, a few months pass, and I forget just how positively awful my last cake looked. I think that I've learned from my past mistakes and that I can actually make a cake look somewhat presentable.

I can't.

I'm awful.

Don't believe me? Take a look at the following:

 My first attempt.  Just pitiful.

 This one actually was not THAT bad.  Still, not great.

 Just sad....

I think Lucy could have done a better job at it.  Just sayin...

 Give me a little slack on this one, it was a flippin cookie cake.

 This years was so bad I didn't even get a photo of it.  This is the best shot I have of it. 

So, you would think after YEARS of miserably failed attempts, that I would give up.

Nope.  I went ahead and baked the cake.  One layer is all ready falling apart on me.  Somehow I'm going to have to take the frosting to "glue" it back together.  My plan this year is to freeze it so it ices easier.  My oldest daughter is supposed to be decorating it herself, but with her control freak of a mom, I can see myself quickly taking over the project.

I went to hobby lobby, picked out a sheet of stuff that you are able to "cut out".  I have little flower cookie cutters.  My goal is to have pink flowers on brown icing.  We will see how it turns out...

I almost attempted fondant.  It's laughable actually to think I could even pull that off...

Wish me luck.  I need it.

Running

So anyone who has access to my Twitter or Facebook knows that I've been working out.  A LOT.  With all the working out I've been doing, I haven't really had the time or motivation to sit down and actually write a blog post.  My cousin Treasure kept pestering reminding me that I haven't wrote a post in months, but every time I tried to write one, nothing interesting came to mind.

Finally, I got inspired to write a post about my newest endeavor.  Running.

I have always HATED running.  Like LOATHED it.  You see, as long as I've been alive I've had all this great upper body strength but absolutely NO endurance.

Who was the kid that took more than fifteen minutes to complete the mile in grade school?

Me.

Who was the kid who was ALWAYS picked LAST in P.E. class?

Me again.

Who BARELY squeaked by with a C in athletics?

You got it.  Me.

So, when I first started working out officially the first time I got on a treadmill or elliptical machine, I really thought I'd die.  My face is red, head pulsing, heart throbbing out of my chest.  Yup, that's it's I'm having a heart attack for sure.

Slowly I was able to gain a little bit more endurance, but running?  Seriously, never even considered it.  Slowly though I began to see these women running, ponytail bobbing back and forth, feet pounding the ground in perfect rhythm, and I became envious.  I wanted that feeling I wanted that freedom that they had, to just take off and RUN.

So, five weeks ago I started the Couch to 5K program.  Basically what it does is gradually work you into running.  Weeks one and two went really well, between weeks two and three I developed swelling in my peronial tendons.  I determined this was from running in my Vibrams, which yes, are made for running, but you are supposed to ease into running in them.  So I sidelined the VFF's and went back to regular athletic shoes.  I figured it would be best to get used to running in general at first, then eventually switch slowly to the Vibrams at a later time.

So, now I'm in week five, and in the C25K program week five gets pretty insane.  Today my routine was warmup walk 5 min, 8 min run 5 min walk 8 minute run then a 5 minute cool down.

So you ask, is Julie the perfect running goddess, ponytail flapping in the breeze, shoes striking the ground at a perfect rhythm?  Is she ready for her Nike commercial now?

Not.  At.  All.

Let me give you a more realistic picture of what Julie running looks like.  A hot freaking mess.  Face so red it looks like it is going to pop.  Sweat POURING off me.  It's in my eyes, burning my contact lenses.  I lick my lips and I taste the sweat in my mouth.  Heaving, heavy breathing.  (I'm certain that it annoys the CRAP out of the people next to me in the gym.)  Feet not in a gentle rhythm, but more of a loud elephant like pounding.

Oh, and guess what?  I still HATE running.  So WHY?  Why do I keep putting myself through this torture?  Because when I start something I finish it, even if it kills me in the process, and this just might.

My next run in my C25K program is a 20 minute straight run.  If you all don't hear back from me, it's possible I killed over in the gym.  Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it.

Decrapification - The Medicine Cabinet

I'm stealing the word "decrapification" from my new-found hero Thrifty Decor Chick.  I just love that word...decrapification.  Anyways decrapifification of my home has begun.  I do not want to appear on an episode of "Horders, Buried Alive," and if I continue on in the chaos I've been living in that's where I'll end up. 

I decided to start with my bathroom medicine cabinet.  It has been pretty much a total mess ever since we moved in.  I think I've cleaned it maybe once in the past two years.  Stuff just gets thrown up there and never really sorted through.  So I decided to dedicate this afternoon to organizing my medicine cabinet.

If you think I suck at decorating stuff, I REALLY suck at organization, but with all the couponing I've been doing it's been nagging at me that I was gonna need to eventually do something to control the chaos.  I start organizing and get into a total tizzy on how to organize stuff.  Like, do I go by ailment or do I organize by kids medicine vs. adult medicine, or both?  For GOD sakes it makes my head spin.  If you don't believe me check out my post on organizing my kids clothing.  It's enough to make me insane.

So, I actually GOOGLED "how to organize your medicine cabinet."  I'm not kidding people.  The consensus is to organize by ailment like "cold and flu" and "pain relief", etc...so I started on the daunting task of going through all my meds.

So, for those of you who are organizationally challenged like me, here is what I did.  Maybe it will help you, or maybe you can give me ANY advice for the future ;)

Here is my before shot.  It's NOT pretty.  It's downright embarrassing.  It's a total pain in the rear to try and find anything in there at all.

I cleaned it all out, and wiped down the cupboards.

Then I organized categories of meds into piles.  It about threw me into a tizzy when one medicine would fit more than one category.  For example:  Hydro-cortisone.  It could go into anti-itch or it could go into first aid.  I think I debated this one for twenty minutes.  Have I ever talked about my inability to make a simple decision?

  I then took out all expired medications, and put them all into baskets according to their category.

Then after about 30 minutes of cursing and screaming trying to get a label maker to work, I just decided to write the labels by hand with a Sharpee.  I put all the labels on and put them up in the cabinet, and finally I was done!  I wish my shelves were adjustable so I wasn't wasting space, but this is much better than where I started.  I'm pretty proud of my progress!

I learned some things I learned while doing this:

• I have enough feminine hygiene products to get me through the apocalypse.
• I have purchased Benadryl probably EVERY time I felt allergy symptoms. 
• I've purchased sunscreen every time I've gone swimming.
• I've bought aloe practically every time I've gotten a sunburn.
• Sunscreen actually DOES expire.  I never knew that.
• I had items in my cabinet that expired in 2007.  That's before I MOVED.  That means I MOVED this crap.
• I had BREAK FLUID in my medicine cabinet.  Not sure why, but that's a bit scary.
• As technically savvy I think I am for the life of me I can't figure out how to use a label maker.
• When left to their own devices, a three year old will try and mix water and Play-Doh to make a cake.

Tomorrow it's the linen closet.  Yikes.

Overwhelmed

I woke up this morning and laid in bed with everything I needed to accomplish today swirling around in my head.  I immediately became overwhelmed.

See, I feel like I should be this super mom, who cleans, cooks, takes care of the kids, and keeps her house in perfect order.

My life is SO not like that.  I have laundry in the basket from two days ago that still needs folded.  I have at least four loads in my closet that need washed.  When I'm done cleaning the kitchen I walk into the living room to see that the dog has chewed up ANOTHER diaper (don't know where he finds these things...) and I have ANOTHER mess to clean up.  While I'm cleaning that mess, I walk in the den to realize that Evie has COLORED ON THE BIG SCREEN with crayon.  In the meantime, Lucy is crying and needs fed, and the dogs are fighting with each other.  I have homework that needs completed, I haven't even showered yet this morning.

I want to just go crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head, and not come out until June.

Then I HATE myself for feeling angry and overwhelmed.  I begin to feel like a bad mother and housewife for having these emotions.  After all, I decided to stay at home to take care of these things, but I constantly feel that I fall short of "the standard".  I look at other women, and they seem to have it all together, and I constantly feel disheveled and like a complete and total wreck.

When I do give "proper" attention to one area, everything else falls apart.  I have issues with time management.

Is it just me? Am I totally alone here?  I strive to be the "wife of noble character" that is talked about in Proverbs 31, but that standard is so high, how can I possibly ever live up to that?

Honest Scrap

I must say that I'm completely flattered that another blogger friend of mine would pass along this Honest Scrap award to me. I think personally she is one of the funniest bloggers that I've ever read, and I look forward daily to checking her blog to see any new posts that I can totally relate to as a wife/woman/mother and chuckle at her humor.

Ok, so I guess this is one of those "tagged" things. The rules are that I list ten absolutely true statements about myself and then tag ten other bloggers that I find worthy (hopefully I have ten I can tag if not I'll tag as many as I can, and all are worthy...)

So here goes: The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God:

1. Since I have been pregnant (especially over the past month) I've been watching the Food Network. A lot. A WHOLE lot. Not that there is anything wrong with watching this channel under normal circumstances, but lately I've been watching it like a lion would watch a gazelle, sitting they preying on it, drooling over it.

2. I've been making dessert almost every night. This would account for the extra 10-20 pounds I've gained with this baby. That being said though I've been making these wonderful brownies, then you take them out of the pan hot, put vanilla ice cream on top then smother it in caramel syrup. OMG it's the best thing I've ever tasted. A moment on the lips is TOTALLY worth it on the hips.

3. I hate dogs. I mean, REALLY hate dogs. I think it is because they are so "needy". With a cat you put out food once a week, stick a litter box in the garage and they basically take care of themselves. Dogs are a completely different story. Also because they smell and are pretty much disgusting. The funny thing is that I always have at least TWO dogs at a time, and I always seem to have the most dog drama of anyone I know. I can't seem to ever get rid of them.

4. I have identity issues. I used to be a person who wasn't into brands, and would snub my nose at the girl who would go pay an astronomical amount for a handbag. After all it's just a handbag. Then I moved to this neighborhood and school district and all of a sudden I feel like I have to live up to this certain standard and I start to conform to it. I am now the girl who has THAT handbag. Of course I NEVER pay full price. I refuse. So here I am torn between to lifestyles, the frugal one that I strive to embrace, and the other part of me that wants an extravagant lifestyle. I am working though to find a good balance and impart that into my children.

5. I am haunted by the fact I never sent out thank you cards for my wedding presents. I know I'm an AWFUL AWFUL person. Someone told me I had up to a year to send them out as far as etiquette goes, so I took this to mean I could procrastinate. Then we moved out of state, and things just got lost in the shuffle and it never got done. I still feel horrible about it to this day. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for it.

6. I love labor, hate pregnancy. I LOATHE being pregnant. I'm not one of those women who feel like they bond with their baby or adore being pregnant. I personally think those women who say they love being pregnant are total liars. I like labor not because I'm some kind of freak who likes pain, I like it because it's my own personal version of "A Baby Story." It's the most exciting part of all of it, getting there, being in the hospital, being the center of attention, and finally seeing your little baby. Also I have pretty easy labors, so I'm lucky there.

7. I wish I was closer with God. I'm just never where I want to be with him. I'm a Christian and I love Christ, I just know that I need to be better, but then again who doesn't feel that way.

8. Also being raised charismatic/Pentecostal and having all these emotions attached to God is very different than being in more of a Baptist like atmosphere, where those emotions are missing. I don't get that "church camp high" that comes along with the charismatic lifestyle. I'm having to totally learn who Christ really is, and it is difficult, and heartbreaking because I feel sometimes as if I've had him ALL wrong. I'm not saying either is right or wrong, they are just both very different.

9. I have a pretty shady past. I have a hard time shaking the feeling that I'm still THAT girl. It constantly makes me feel unworthy of friends, relationships or leading at a church. I know in my head that Christ forgives, I just think I haven't forgiven myself yet.

10. End it on a funny note (since I got so serious). I'm a hypochondriac. My husband pointed this out to me a few weeks ago. Here is how that conversation went down:

Him: You need to stay of WebMd. You are a total hypochondriac.

ME: I certainly am NOT. I am just informed and cautious about our health.

Him: How many diseases have you thought we have had in the past six months?

Me: (sit there and ponder this for a moment)

Him: Diabetes? Swine Flu?

Me: Yes (sigh) and yes. And Lupus, Lyme disease, Pancreatic Cancer, and Spinal meningitis.

Ok so he has a point. I need to stay off WebMd.

Ok, so I'm "tagging" the following people on this.

1. Ginger (because she is HILARIOUS and only has one blog written and I need more)

2. Treasure

3. Mom

4. My hubby (because he is HILARIOUS and needs to blog. I'm in withdrawal)

5. Melissa

6. Erica

I don't have ten people to tag on blogs because not everyone writes them that needs to have them (ahem Lanie, Sarah and my brother to name a few).

There you go. You know WAY more about me than you should. Now go and confess something yourself.