Crazy Cat Trapper

I am really beginning to think that this stuff can ONLY happen to us.

Seriously we have the weirdest pet stuff ever happen around this home.

Remember our dog Nikki and when she got dog napped?

Or how about my suicidal dog Charlie?

Oh, and don't forget about my crazy hamster breeding farm that I was running for a while.

So here is the latest epic story in our household about our crazy pets.

We have this cat Duke.  He is seriously the coolest cat ever.  We got him last May (on the day of the LOST series finale to be exact.  He was ALMOST named Sawyer).  Since he has grown up with the beagle and the kids, he is really friendly.  He wrestles with the dog and he lets the kiddos tug and pull on him all the time and he never scratches them one bit.

Below is a video of Duke and Charlie playing together.  This may be the ONLY pet video with Sarah McLachlan music playing in the background that is NOT advertising for abused animals.

I've always found that we have less cat allergies, and just happier cats all around if we let them go in and out.  I know by doing this I take a chance at loosing them, but I've always put a collar on them and hoped for the best.  All the neighbors know Duke and love him too because he is such a sweetheart.

Anyhow, Duke always runs out of the house at night and usually comes back in the mornings and sleeps all day here.  He has repeated this routine for over a year now.  He is NOT neutered, despite all the warnings from Bob Barker about the pet population.  I know, I know, I'm a BAD pet parent and I should have had it done FOREVER ago, but at first I was considering getting a female and having kittens with them (something my sister Ginger got stuck in my head to do), and then life happened and I never got around to doing it.

Saturday night he runs out of the house, and that is the last I see of him for a while.  Halloween came and went and I still hadn't seen him, but we had been busy.  By Tuesday night none of us could place the last time we saw him, so I started to completely and totally panic worry a little.

By Wednesday morning I'm pretty certain he is gone because he would have certainly been home.  My kids are now worried as well.  I post a Craigslist ad for him, and then I register him on the OKC animal shelter website.

Thursday morning after tossing and turning worrying about him I make posters and go put them all around our neighborhood.  At this point I just pray because I've done all that I can do to try and find him.

Thursday night I get a message on my cell phone from a guy that said he found a break away collar that looks like it belongs to a cat or small dog with Dukes name and my number on it.  This is JUST what I was afraid of.

I immediately call him and he proceeds to tell me he was weed-eating his back yard and when he hit the chain link fence the collar just flung up into the air.  I asked him where he was located so we could come and look for Duke in that area.

He says "we are just south of you."

Wait a second.  The collar didn't have my address on it.  I didn't tell this guy where I lived.  How did he know he was south of me? Is what I should have been thinking, but in my mind I just dismissed it.

Then he asks "What does your cat look like?"

I proceed to tell him Dukes description (which my husband continually now makes fun of me for because I said "he is brown and black tabby/tiger striped and has a cute face".  He can't get over the fact I said "he has a cute face.")

He says "well, I think I may have your cat."

I'm almost in tears so happy now.  He then proceeds to tell me that they trap feral cats and that on Sunday they saw him in their garden and then Sunday night he was eating out of their back patio food that they leave out for the cats in the neighborhood.  He then tells me that on Monday he trapped Duke (since he was without a collar), and then Tuesday took him down to the humane society and had him neutered and gave him all his shots.  He goes on and on about feline leukemia and all the other diseases in this area and how we were lucky that Duke didn't have any diseases.  Then after finding the collar today he gave me a call because it could possibly be our cat).

I can see Jamin getting upset that this guy is giving me a lecture on the phone.  He seemed nice to me and I really wasn't thinking because I was so excited to find Duke.  He told me to come over and check it out to see if it was him.

I got off the phone and Jamin said "he is lying to you."  I said "huh?"  Jamin said "he didn't JUST find his collar.  I guarantee you something is fishy here."

I started thinking about the conversation and all the odd pieces that just didn't add up.  How did he know where I lived?  Then it dawned on me.  He saw my signs.  That is the ONLY way that he would know.

We arrive at their house and they are very nice people.  His wife is super sweet, he is a bit odd but seems nice.  They take us to the room and open the door.   There is my sweet Duke lying on their bed.  I started to cry.

The guy starts talking again and tells us that Duke has been eating out of their yard since last Wednesday.  Wait, I thought you said Sunday?  On Saturday the last time I saw Duke he had on his collar.  So if he has been seeing Duke for a while, he MUST have saw his collar.  He also says "you are lucky that he wasn't diseased after being out for a year and a half."  I explained that even though he wasn't neutered he did have all his immunizations.

Wait.  I never told him how old Duke was.  That was on MY SIGN.  This guy WAS lying to me.

Oh well, they were sweet.  They gave me my cat back.  I'm sure he realized that we cared about him after he saw all the signs.  We offered to pay for the shots and him being neutered, but they declined.  Said they were just happy that they found his home.

Thankfully I wanted Duke neutered.  Thankfully he wasn't a show cat that I was planning to breed or anything....

Oh well.  He MAY have been lying to me.  Maybe he wanted my cat, all in all Duke is home and we are happy and thankful he is here.

Unfortunately Duke will now be an indoor cat, because I can't risk him heading back over to crazy cat trappers home for some more free food.  He is not too happy about this.  He keeps giving me the stink eye every time I pass him standing at the door.

Oh, also I think I figured out where my old cat Scout may have disappeared to...

My First Black Friday

I never quite understood the whole Black Friday thing. My cousin Treasure goes every year, and EVERY year I wanted to go with her to see what it was all about, but I just could never convince myself to get up before the sunrise and head out into the cold to wait in line. After scouring the BF ads for the past couple years my husband decided to go it alone last year and I stayed with the kiddos. After his experience he determined you definitely need at least TWO people (you have to have a runner...which I should have learned from all my cousin's BF blog posts..sigh). Anyhow, we decided this year we would send the kids home with the MIL and him and I would go out. I have to say, I think I'm hooked.

This is going to be a LONG post so just bear with me.

This was NOT at all like I expected. I expected to see humanity at its worst, but in fact I encountered a TON of really nice people and I felt this sense of community while shopping.  It was definitely crazy but it was a LOT of fun.

After scanning the ads after Thanksgiving I decided to come up with a game plan.  I found that several of my items were similarly priced at both Wal-Mart and Target.  There were some Wal-Mart specific items, and some Target specific items.  Thankfully we were not purchasing any electronics at Wal-Mart so we could go at midnight to get the toys and other items on our list, and what we didn't get there we could make up for at Target at 4am when they opened.

We arrived at Wal-Mart around 11:15 and the place was PACKED.  We got there and there was no cart anywhere.  I grabbed myself a little basket and decided that I would use that and hand carry the rest.  Wal-Mart had all their BF ad items shrink wrapped in the middle of the aisles.  (I can see the need for this but it caused MASSIVE congestion).  There were people huddled around them and tearing into them like crazy.  All the items were marked "ITEM DOES NOT GO ON SALE TILL MIDNIGHT", but unless someone was specifically watching, people were tearing into them like wolves.  I felt kinda bad disobeying the rules, but all is fair in war, so I snagged some of my items when I saw something I wanted.  There was a girls bicycle on sale for $29, Jamin went to grab it but some lady began yelling at him that we were not allowed to pick it up until midnight.  She was watching us closely, so he just decided to park there and wait for it.  While he was doing that I decided to go try and hunt some other items on our list.  I went to the back of the store to find the $4 pajama sets and they were heavily guarded in one area.  You would think this was loaded guns or something the way Wal-Mart was guarding them.  Ridiculous that people were lining up for PAJAMAS.

I went around the corner and saw another pallet of pajamas unguarded, and people were ravaging them.  It was somewhere around this time I heard a Wal-Mart rep say that we could get into the items.  I went ahead and found PJ's for both small girls and ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while.  It was good to see her.  We both looked for PJ's together for a few moments.  I kept looking for the older kids some PJ's because they are about $5 cheaper than normal, and overall that's a savings of $20 for all for kids, so it's a pretty good deal.  I never found them for the older kids, so I gave up and went to find my husband.  This was a little after midnight.

He was in the back of the store, in gardening in LINE.  Oh.  MY.  GAWD.  I get back there and he has a $200 Kitchen Aid mixer in his cart.  I gave him a funny look because that item is NOT on our Christmas budget this year.  He smiled and pointed to a smiling gray haired man behind him in line and explained that he was sharing his cart with this fellow.  (We later found out his name was Bob.)

So there we were.  Me, my husband and Bob.  We stood there for about forty five minutes and the line was not moving at all.  I finally decided to go see what was up.  What I found was a complete and total traffic jam of carts all merging into one huge line.  People were just squishing their way into the pile and there was really NO real line.  I saw this and KNEW we'd never get out of there, so I started searching for a new line right away.  I found one that was in the gift bag aisle and I could see the register from there.  I quickly texted my husband to come find me.  He couldn't find me but ended up one aisle over in the cards.  I walked over and found him and Bob there.

Bob had found that line, went and found my husband because a nice lady saved his spot, and we all went into it.  Bob was with us for the long haul.  Our line quickly began to slow down.  Some lady at the register was causing a stink.  The manager light began to flash and the poor cashier looked like a deer in headlights.  This went on for what felt like forever.  They finally got a new cashier and the line began to move.  We were one cart away from the register and the lady in front of us saw our bike and asked how much it was.  We told her and she had that pained look on her face that she wanted one.  I told her "they are just right over there" (I could see them from where I stood).  I said "hurry, go get one".  She ran over there and grabbed the exact same bike as me.  We checked out, shook hands with Bob and said our tearful goodbyes...

Finally at 1:45am we were DONE with Wal-Mart.  We were both fading, and starving so I gave in and let my husband go to the Waffle House to eat.  (I usually don't like these places because they are dirty and scare me, but their bathroom HAD to be better than Wal-Marts bathroom and it WAS.  That's saying A LOT).

We got out of Waffle House about 2:30 and went to Toys R Us because we had time to kill.  We didn't buy anything there, just walked around.  We grabbed some coffee, and hunkered down in our warm truck in the back of Target parking lot and waited.  The line was wrapped around the store.  People had TENTS.  I wasn't about to get into that craziness for the few items I wanted.  We waited until the store opened and the line moved and we went up there.  At 3:55 "Eye of the Tiger" came on the radio...fate?  It possibly was.  It was like we had our own personal little soundtrack.  We were pumped, we were ready.  4:00am the doors opened and we filed out of our car towards the store.  Ran into the same friend that I saw in Wal-Mart on the way!  We got into Target a little after 4am.  My husband headed for the toys for one item, while I went to electronics for two other items.  We found all three items on our list and were checked out by 4:20.  Target was a dream compared to Wal-Mart.  We had successfully gotten everything on our list for the day and decided to head home.

We had gotten everything that we came for!  Total score.  We are the kings of BF shopping.

So here is what I learned:  Mob mentality CAN and WILL get the best of you.  Don't give into it.  Stay calm and you will most likely end up getting what you were after.  You have to go in there though with the notion that you MAY not get what you are after and that is OK.  You have to be QUICK and savvy, but you don't have to be rude.  People out there are also pretty nice and willing to help you, there is just a sense of camaraderie when you are out at that hour with people all on the same mission.  This whole experience was SUCH a trip.  I can't wait to do it again next year.

Underwear Parade

Holy cow two posts in one day!

This is a short one, but cute.

My middle daughter Evie comes into the room with only her underwear on, dancing past me in a line back and forth, hands on her hips, shaking her little booty and humming. After about three laps in front of me...

"What are you doing silly?" I ask.

"I'm having a parade!"

Of course.

So I'm Graduating...well...maybe...

So I came home yesterday with my cap and gown in hand, and one last day of class left before finals.

So, I came in the house, put the cap and gown package on my end table, got the baby out of her car seat, and got Evie her juice etc....you know started doing mom things.  I completely forgot to go back and find a safer spot for that cap and gown.

When I walked by the end table in my living room today I noticed the cap and gown was missing.  I didn't give much thought to it because I knew my son picked up the living room yesterday (part of his chores), so I just figured it was in the pile of stuff on my dresser in my bedroom.

I was wrong.

We decided to take the kids swimming tonight at the Y, but when I realized that the cap and gown were indeed missing I started to panic.  My son had no clue what I was looking for, and when I explained it he swore he didn't know where it was.  I tried asking Evie where she may have placed it (you see she was building a nice fort/house out of blankets in the living room today so she could have easily taken it).  She had no clue what I was looking for either.

We organized a search party and started looking everywhere.  The cap and gown were nowhere to be found.  I patrolled the backyard praying NOT to find it in a chewed up pile of dog poo.  It wasn't there.  We looked through the trash, we looked through the recycling...we looked all over the kids rooms.  It.  Was.. Gone.

I started to feel hopeless because I know there was no way I'd ever get another cap and gown in time for the graduation.  We packed up in the car and headed for the YMCA.

Half way there my oldest shouts out "I think I know where it is mom!  I put it in the Twister game box!"

My husband and I glance at her and almost simultaneously say "Why on EARTH would you put it in there?"

She said "I thought it was the game board spinner."  (BTW it looks NOTHING like the Twister spinner)

"We would have NEVER found that." my husband said.  He was right.  One day we would have opened up that Twister box and found it, and I would of had an aneurysm. "Next time you dye your hair we are going DARK!"  my husband told our oldest.

So, tonight I came home and pulled the cap and gown out of the Twister game box.  I was going to just leave it in the package until Friday to make sure that it didn't get grape jelly on it or peed on by a dog, but I figured I'd open it up to try on my cap for a second.

To my horror, the tassel is missing.

You have GOT to be kidding me.

Two Year Old Logic

Ok, I'm gonna warn you that the following story is a bit gross, so for those who are a bit squeamish, I'd advise you to stop reading now.  For the others who continue to read, you have been warned.

My two year old (soon to be three) woke up from her nap.  I went into her bedroom and I noticed a pretty nasty smell in there.  I walked over to the source of the smell and it was the trash can.  It was sitting next to her bed.

I was pretty grossed out to see that she had peed and pooped in the trash can.

When I asked her why she pooped in her trash can she said "I couldn't poop in my bed."

I can't argue with that logic.

Quest for wavy hair part deux

It's 1:04 in the morning and what am I doing?  Watching You Tube tutorials of teenage girls putting waves in their hair.

I think I've reached an all new low.

Today I went out and sprung for the Revlon Three Barrel Waver.  $13.95 at Walmart.

I couldn't wait to try it out, but tonight was movie night with the hubby (Zombieland, which I may say was awesome).  So at about midnight I ripped open the package and began my quest once again for luscious waves.

Disappointment once again awaited me.

Here is basically what it looked like.

I did some quick research and turns out there are TWO types of three barrel wavers, the small barrel kind and the large.  I'll give you ONE guess which one I purchased.

Looks like I'm headed back to the store tomorrow.  Stay tuned for attempt #3.

My Little Genius

My mother in law watches my two little girls while I go to school two days a week.  Last week my two year old was upset and wanted to stay with me.  I told her that mommy had to go to school.  We drive past the school on the freeway on the way to grandma's house.

I pointed out the school to her "see that's where mommy goes to school."  That was a week ago.

Today we are driving on the freeway and as we drive past the school she says "That's mommy's school!" and points to it.  She was right.  It was my school.

She is two people.  Two.

I'm going to be in so much trouble with this one.

Sea Salt Hairspray : Fail

I have wavy hair.  Not the kind of wavy that is just naturally wavy and gorgeous, but the wavy kind of hair that I either have to blow dry straight or moose to death to get a decent amount of non frizzy wave.

Now, waves are all the rage right now, so I started researching what would be the best product to use on my hair.  I saw that a LOT of people use home made sea salt mixed with water.  It's ALL OVER the internet, youtube and everywhere else, so I thought I found the perfect solution for my waves. Here is what I was going for:

What I ended up getting looked more like this:

Ok, I may be exaggerating SLIGHTLY.  Seriously though, what do I have to do to get these gorgeous looking waves?

You'd think they grew on trees or something...

My two year old LOVES apples.  She usually eats at least one a day.

Tonight her daddy grabbed the last apple that we had.  She was NOT happy about it.  Daddy also doesn't like to share food.  In fact, he has stolen the quote from friends where Joey screams "JOEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD," and changed it to "DADDY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD!"

I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

But I digress...

Daddy had the apple.  Evie wanted it.

She comes over to me and gives me the sad face "I want an apple mommeeee."

"I'm sorry sweetie," I reply, "you have to ask your daddy."

"Daddy said NO."  (big pouty face)

"I'm sorry sweetie." I then turned my head and continued watching Idol.

Two seconds later I have a hand forcefully pushing my head in the direction of her father.

"YOU ASK HIM!" she yells.

Cookie Catastrophe

Christmas eve I always make sugar cookies and decorate them with the kids.  I've done this since I was a teenager and carried it on with my kiddos.  I love it.  This year I'm excited I get to do this with my niece and nephews also who will be visiting from Austin!  I also make white chocolate covered pretzels on Christmas eve and some other cookies (usually chocolate chip).  I am in the kitchen normally most of the day baking.  This year I decided to do it a bit early and get the baking done so I can relax more on Christmas eve and only do the decorating, also I thought it would be nice to take some cookies to family members tomorrow.  It kinda threw me for a loop and I wasn't prepared for this change of plans.  At around six o clock tonight I stared baking cookies.  Four double batches to be exact.  Yes, that's eight, EIGHT batches of cookies.

My poor hubby comes home starving, to a pitiful looking lasagna on the stove and a wife covered in flour surrounded by what appears to be a cookie explosion in my kitchen.  He is painfully aware that his plans for settling down for a movie and a relaxing evening just flew out the window, and he is going to have to come to the rescue of his disorganized crazy wife once again.

Thankfully we got the cookies finished and I owe my husband and children thanks for helping to bail me out of my cookie catastrophe I had going on in the kitchen.

I just seem to always bite off more (cookies) than I can chew.

Craigslist

I don't know what it is with me and my luck on Craigslist, but I always have THE WORST experiences.

People jerk me around, never come to pick up when they say they will, they try and get me to give them things for free, and people are just downright rude to me. It's to the point where it is just not worth the hassle to make a little bit of money.

I recently tried to sell my broken TV on Craigslist. I didn't ask much but thought someone handy could fix it. That didn't work so I just offered it for free to get it out of my garage. Once you offer something for free, the offers start FLOODING in.

There was another TV I was selling and some guy wrote me saying he wanted it. I told him ok, come and get it. FOUR days pass by and I receive an email that goes something like this:

Thank you for your quick response. Please consider the item sold to me. I will be paying you via check. I will send my delivery man to come and pick up the item. Please send directions.

Obviously this was some kind of scam. If it wasn't he was just the biggest prick I've ever seen in my life.

Also, if I find something I want, I email someone about it. They NEVER email me back, or they write me back saying it's sold. If it is sold DELETE YOUR POSTING ALL READY. Geesh.

So this lady comes by last night to look at this vanity I'm selling. Her and I have been talking over the weekend, but with our wedding, and some of her family issues we were never able to get together. She decided to come by yesterday, no problem right? She was supposed to be here at 7pm. She shows up at 9:00 at night! 9:00! Her and her daughter stand in my living room looking at it for 15 minutes. She tries to talk the 7 year old precocious girl into it, but the 7 year old is finding ALL kinds of problems with it (it's not big enough, she has to bend over too much to write on it She can't open the drawer right). I mean, are you friggin serious? You are letting your 7 year old make this decision? I don't even let my ten year old make these decisions on furniture.

They leave, said they will let me know today if they want it. I think she is going to try and talk her daughter into buying it. At this point I don't care if they take it or not. It's not worth it. I'm only selling the thing for $30. My time is MUCH more valuable than that.

I think I'll just call Goodwill and have them pick up my stuff from now on. It totally isn't worth the hassle.

The Wedding Day

So this past weekend was my brother in law's wedding. Now, normally you expect wedding days to be a little bit complicated and have some issues, but nothing major usually happens.

Unless you are part of our family.

My morning started out with my sister in law, her kids, my kids, and our hubby's sitting around the breakfast area by our arcadia door. All of a sudden a duck flew into our back yard. What are the chances? One in a million if you are anyone else on the planet, but if you are the family that owns a beagle chances are pretty high that the duck will wind up in your yard.

Of course the dog started howling at the duck. The duck laid down flat on the ground like it was dead. Finally we were taking bets on wether the duck was dead or just playing dead. I brought the beagle in the house and I went out to go poke the duck to see if it was alive. I got about 10 feet from it and it started flapping. Me, being scared of birds screamed and ran back into the house.

About half an hour later the duck was still in the yard, but I needed to let the dog out. So, there we are and all of a sudden WHACK. The duck hits the arcadia door with a HUGE thud. All the kids and girls scream, my sister in law dumps her coffee everywhere because of the fright.

So, this should have been an omen to me as to how my day was going to go.

Here is a short list of the other wacky events that happened that day:

My daughter took her diaper off like ten times today. She ended up peeing on the kitchen floor.

The dog (our beagle) was vomiting all over the house.

The family members that were decorating the church accidentally locked themselves out of the room that had all the tables in it for the wedding.

We forgot the sash to the brides dress at home and had to stall the wedding while I came back home to get the sash.

The AC in the sanctuary got turned off to avoid the candles from blowing out: caused PROFUSE sweating.

The dog (the beagle, of course) comes downstairs eating a dirty diaper.

My niece poops her pants.

My other dog (the normally well behaved one) jumps up and grabs a chicken leg out of my sister in law's hand and eats it.

Now for the icing on the cake, the part of the story you have all been waiting for.

My son floods the church during the reception. Yes, let me repeat that again, MY SON FLOODED THE CHURCH.

Let me tell you one of the worst possible noises in the world that someone can hear is the sound of GUSHING water where there should be NO gushing water.

Come to find out my son was in the handicap stall in the church. In that stall they have the toilet and a sink attached to the wall. In the next stall over is my nephew. I don't know what happens to my son when these two get together but trouble just seems to find them, and my son absolutely looses his mind. Typical boy, he decides to stand on the sink and peek over into the next stall to be funny and irritate his cousin.

This causes the pipe in the wall to break, the sink to fall off the wall and hundreds of gallons of water to begin gushing out of the pipe. I don't ever think I'll forget the look of terror on my pastors face while this event unfolded. I'm certain at this point we are going to have to find another church to start attending (ok not really, our pastor is a SUPER cool guy and we have an AWESOME church).

This is the point in time where I melt down. The shear embarrassment of the entire situation just broke me down. Luckily the water got shut off, and the men did an excellent job of cleaning up the water disaster, and a plumber came out and fixed the pipe before service tomorrow. It COULD have been much worse.

I swear to you that this is the complete truth about my day. I can't possibly make this stuff up. I have witnesses that can account that this is my "normal" life.

One day of drama in our household is equivalent of what some people only get in a lifetime.

It could only happen to me

Anyone who knows me at all knows that I win hands down when it comes to crazy pet and animal stories. From my Shih-Tzu being dognapped to my suicidal Beagle, from frog orgies in my kids swimming pool to dying guinea pigs, I have the strangest pet stories of them all.

Our cat Scout has gone missing again, I decided to take a long detour through our neighborhood to scan for him. While I was doing this two dogs come running out in front of my car. I slam on the breaks to avoid hitting them. Rather than scurry on their way, these dogs just stand there and stare at me as if to say "you shall not pass." I honk the horn, nudge the van forward a bit, but nothing. They won't budge an inch.

You HAVE to be kidding me right?

So I get out of my car and the smaller of the dogs (a little ugly pug that looks like the dog from Men In Black) barks and barks at me, will barely let me out of the van door. I try and shew them away, but they just are hell bent on not letting me go anywhere. I see collars, but no tags on these dogs.

This standoff continues for about 5 minutes. I'm at the point I'm about ready to just run over the dang dogs, and I'm starting to envision horrific scenes from Cujo where they poor lady is stuck in her sweltering car for days trapped by this rabid dog. The kids get out and try and move them out of the way while I get the van a little forward, but while doing this the little one bites my son. It's not a massive bite, a teeny little puncture wound no bigger than a pin prick, but it does draw a little blood. I quickly get the kids back in the car. I begin nudging forward and the dogs move a bit, the kids look out the window to make sure I'm not hitting them. As soon as I'm FINALLY clear of these dogs I FLOOR it. The dogs CHASE MY CAR through the rest of the neighborhood and around the corner.

I swear I've never seen anything like this in my life.

A quick call to hubby and the doctor (luckily my son doesn't need a rabies shot), then a call to animal control while in the middle of Eyemart (getting yet ANOTHER pair of glasses for my son) gets some stares from a few individuals. Can't you just see me now? The two year old pulling glasses off the racks and hiding under chairs with me on the phone to the doctor saying "Yes, I think my son needs a rabies shot." While the lady at the counter is repairing my sons glasses (oh and the oldest is crying because they can't repair her sunglasses for her).

I just look at them as I leave and say out loud "Welcome to my three ring circus."

Our Suicidal Dog

My husband and I have come to the conclusion that our dog must be suicidal. He has almost died on us a handful of times, and we keep saving him. Maybe we doomed him the minute we named him "Charlie" (after the character Charlie on Lost). We are his Desmond, no matter what we do, or how many times we try and save him, he is going to die.

It all started when we first adopted him. He dug a hole under the porch of his old home, and crawled under there to die. It took hours for him to come out so we could adopt him. We get him home to find out he has Parvo. After a week of this dog trying to die we nurse him back to health with Pedialyte and chicken broth, along with antibiotics.

A few months later, he decides to steal food from our larger alpha dog. She of course tries to bite his head off, leaving his eyeball bulging out of the socket. (That has been fixed, popped right back in at the vet's office that night). I still have nightmares about witnessing this horrific event.

About three days before we leave to Paris, he comes in the house bloody and swollen (the dog seriously looked MESSED up see photo to my left). We have no clue what he did to himself, but we nurse him back to health with antibiotics and aspirin. Our dog lives to see yet another day. We are still debating if he got his head caught under the fence or if the big dog attacked him again. We just can't be sure.

About a month ago he gets himself caught on my staircase in a noose. If I would have gone downstairs 30 seconds later I would have had a dead dog hanging from my stairs (talk about having to go to therapy after seeing something like that...). Anyhow, he noosed himself around the stairs and actually let go of his bowels and bladder he was that close to death. My stairs now have claw marks dug into the wood where he tried to claw his way up them to save himself.

Two weeks ago he somehow got a hold of an ant bait and ate all the poison out of it. Luckily he survived that one. The "counter" went back (zero days since last Charlie suicide attempt).

I have NO clue what it is with this dog. I guess we just keep trying to save his life and live out the doggie version of the movie "Final Destination". He cheated death but it keeps coming for him? Sounds like a feature film to me...

Scattergories

How fitting that the head of the poor man on the cover is nearly exploding. This is how I feel sometimeswhen I play games with the kids.

Now, don't get me wrong. They are finally at the age where games are SOMEWHAT enjoyable with them, which is pretty darn cool, however there are a few games that NEVER need to be played with children. This is one of them.

My oldest asked if I would play Scattergories with her. First of all, there were only two of us, but she insisted that it would be just fine. Ok, I give in. I'll play.

Round one is over and she got four or six out of the ten possible answers. We go through and compare and I veto a few (for example: Things that are black - her answer: Elephant). I know you must think I'm completely cold hearted, but I'm not one of those people who let kids off easy. You want to play with the big kids, you have to be able to play by the rules. Also, my folks were ones that let me off pretty easy, and "let" me win a lot, which has well, created a monster when it comes to competition.

Anyhow we are going pretty well when the 7 year old comes along and wants to play. I have my doubts but what is the worst that will happen? Well, he first of all annoys the crap out of me by jumping ahead of the orderly process I have going and blurting out ALL his answers.

I can feel my head starting to explode because my natural order and progression of things is getting interrupted...I have control issues ok? Don't judge me.

This continues on for a few rounds until I'm fuming.

However something funny happens in the process. The category was "Nicknames" that start with the letter "L".

My sons answer was "Lincoln". He said (and I quote) "OH! I got it all wrong! I thought it said NICKEL NAMES, so I put Lincoln."

Why yes, I did swallow a watermelon.

Ok, so it's summer and the season for fresh fruit. I love to buy all the fruit, come home, wash it and put it in tupperware containers so I can munch when I please and all the work is done. I purchased a watermelon two weeks ago at the supermarket (part of my normal summer routine), came home and began chopping away at the thing.

I decided while chopping to take a little sample, and well, I could have just died and went to heaven. I could have SWORN that this was the sweetest best watermelon that I had tasted in my entire life.

So, let me paint you a picture of what this looks like. Me, barefoot and VERY pregnant in the kitchen with a butcher knife in one hand and a dripping piece of watermelon in the other hand. I'd cut a piece and put it away, then eat a piece, and so on and so on....i'm sure it was rather disgusting and unladylike looking me there with watermelon juice dripping down my chin and landing on my very big belly.

By the time the watermelon was finished and cut up, I didn't have as much in the container as I expected.

Three days later the watermelon was gone. My family griped for a few days that nobody else got any, but it's not possible is it? I didn't eat the whole thing did I?

Today was grocery day. Yes, I bought another one. My daughter moaned about how she "won't get any of this watermelon either because mom is going to eat it all!"

I noticed chopping it up today that I must have bought a much larger watermelon, because rather than one tupperware I had three. Then I came to a horrible realization. I ATE HALF the watermelon last time I cut it up. No wonder I didn't have as much as I expected.

So, when asked "are you pregnant or did you just swallow a watermelon?" I can just simply say "Yes".

Things I thought I'd never say.

When you become a parent you truly say things that you NEVER in a million years could picture yourself saying, things like "please don't lick the shopping cart handle," and "dear God he stuck something up his nose again..."  (emphasis on the AGAIN part).

Every time I turn around they are doing something so ridiculous, you look at them and shake your head in astonishment that they are yours, and could swear that they were raised by monkeys instead of civilized parents.

For example today we were at a restaurant and I looked over and my ten year old is shaving a crayon with a knife.  I look at her and just give her the "mom" look and say "Really? Can you please stop shaving the crayon with your knife."  I glance across the table and my two year old has taken her straw out of her drink, and is slurping Sprite directly from the table top to her mouth, lapping it up like a dog.  Where is her straw you ask?  She is using it to sip ranch dressing from a bowl.

Yes, these are my children.

Yesterday they tied a rope to a branch on our tree outside in a swing like fashion.  My husband and I watched from the kitchen window as my oldest decided to try and hang a plastic lawn chair from that very string as some kind of makeshift swing.  This is the point that my husband looks at me and says "so, do I call the ambulance now, or wait and see how this plays out?"

There you are again saying something you never thought you would say in a million years "kids, please don't hang the lawn chair from the tree and try to swing on it." 

Some of the top things I've said as a parent that I thought I'd never say:

• Stop chewing your toenails!
  
• Stop biting my feet!
  
• Honey I need the tweezers, he has a tick on his balls.
  
• Yes doctor he drank pool shock.
  
• No, the cashier at Walgreens is not the midget from Elf.  Please stop asking him that.
  
• Hold still while I pull the eye-shadow sponge out of your nose.
  
• You can NOT spank your friends on their butts while they are peeing at the urinal.
  
• Don't lick your sister!
  
• I found the penny in his poop!  We don't have to take him to the hospital!
  
• Stop playing with the toilet water!
  

Then of course my all time favorite "Please stop licking the shopping cart handle."  (I know I said this before but it's worthy of being mentioned twice.

If I end up in the looney bin it's YOUR fault

That is my statement to my SUPPOSEDLY loving husband, whom has been "messing" with my head for several months.  So if I end up committed it is HIS fault.

We have a hospital nearby our home, and I drive by it nearly every day.  There is a cross on top of the hospital that gives the illusion of movement, however while driving by you can't really tell if it is moving or if it is an optical illusion (because it's right by a freeway that goes 70 MPH).  I used to be certain it did move until one night we were parked by the lake and I could see the hospital at night and the cross NEVER moved an inch.  This is when I started to question myself.

I have gone on and on about this thing daily for the past year, and state that I'm going to take a lawn chair and park on the lawn in front of the hospital to PROVE once and for all that the cross does indeed move.  My husband would always tell me "you are crazy the thing does not move".

Well, last week as I drove by it the cross was facing west, but when I came home it was facing north!  I was SURE now that it does move.  This was proven.  I tell this to my husband that and he again tells me I'm totally off my rocker, and that it DOES NOT move.  We argue a bit but get nowhere.

Anyhow, last night we took the access road the entire way instead of the turnpike (trying to save money and not eat up our Pikepass unless we are in a hurry).  Well, the access road has stop lights, and I'm not driving so this gave me a perfect opportunity to truly LOOK at the cross on the building.  It moved.  I saw it move and there was no doubt it was rotating.

Jamin begins to laugh hysterically.  He said "From your hospital room when you had Evie I had a perfect view of the shadow of the cross."  He paused a moment to let this sink in "The shadow moved".  I felt like slapping him.

This he says was his little way of telling me not to doubt myself when I know something is true.  I say its a way to make your wife think she is absolutely crazy.  Thanks babe.

Triple Nipple Sandwich

I'm sorry about the title. You can blame my imaginative son for that one.

My son wanted to pack a lunch for school today, so last night he began to make his lunch all by himself. I let him be in the kitchen while Jamin and I caught up on The Office from last week.

He called out a few moments later "look at my sandwich. I call it the triple nipple sandwich!" Jamin and I giggled a bit and glanced over there. I decided to go see what he had made. I'm glad I did this. His sandwich consisted of two slices of raw bacon, dry bread, a leaf of lettuce and some strawberries, sliced perfectly.

He was so proud of his "triple nipple sandwich" I just hated to burst his bubble and throw it away, but I couldn't let him eat raw bacon, seriously. I explained to him how it would have been a wonderful sandwich had he cooked the bacon, he seemed to understand this. I then got him out some roast beef and cheese, mayo and the fix-in's and watched him make a more appropriate sandwich.

I'm just thankful I went over and examined his sandwich! Could you imagine what his teacher would have thought seeing raw bacon on bread. She would have called CPS for sure.

Dognapped!

Ok, so I only thought that dogs got stolen in Disney movies and in episodes of Seinfield, but I was wrong.

We have a Shitsu (Nikki) who is about 16 years old. She doesn't do much but sleep, eat and occasionally go pee outside (if she hasn't all ready peed on my living room floor). This morning I let her out to pee, five minutes later I check on her and she is still sniffing around. I check on her because she somehow ALWAYS manages to find her way out of our yard. She is a dog version of Houdini.

I go tend to the kids, and a few moments later look out and she is gone. I walk up and down the street, because she is so old she could not have gone anywhere that quickly. She is not on our block. The neighbors behind us have no fence, so she could have got into their subdivision which is different than ours and you can only get there by driving. So, I pack up the kids who are still in their pajamas, and barefoot. I also have one of the neighbor kids with me. We all head out to drive around in search for Nikki. She has a number on her tag so I notify Jamin that if someone calls to call me and let me know.

I search all around and can't find her anywhere. My phone rings Jamin informs me that someone found her and took her to the vet because "she had an infection with her eye and they were afraid that she was not well taken care of and she needed medical attention."

At this point I was livid. Why on earth would someone take the liberty of taking her to the vet without calling the number on the tag first? Especially if it was not a life threatening issue.

I head to the vet, steaming. I find this guy walking around the parking lot of the "pet resort" (not kidding) they took her to on his cell phone, but Nikki is no where in sight. I get out of the car, and ask where my dog is. He then informs me that he is calling his fiance to find out where the dog is. Hello? I thought she was at the vet? He then hands me her collar. This is getting stranger and stranger. By then, I'm really peeved. Anyone that knows me, knows I have a hot temper. At this point I SHOULD have kept my mouth shut, but I just absolutely cannot. I say to him "I'm curious as to why you would bring her to the vet rather than just call the number that was on her tag." and he could see I was visibly angry with him. He then said "lady, I'm just trying to do the right thing and help. I don't appreciate you getting hostile with me." We exchanged a few more words, then he got back on his phone. Still, no Nikki. I turn around to tell the kids in the car to be quiet and when I look again, the guy is gone. I then see him peeling out of the parking lot five seconds later.

I go inside the vet, thinking she is inside. She isn't there. I call Jamin and he answers and I told him the guy left. Jamin said yes, the guy just called him. He had called Jamin and lit into him. He then proceeded to call me a B*&%^ to my husband. That was NOT the right thing to do. Jamin lit into him. The guy then physically threatened Jamin over the phone. Jamin then explained to him calmly that he was calling the police due to the physical threat and the fact that they had taken our dog.

During this time I called the Pet Palace (ok, pet RESORT). What actually happened. The lady brought in Nikki NOT with the intention of getting her medical attention, but to get her groomed. She had planned on KEEPING MY DOG! They told her they couldn't groom her not knowing her shot record, and she would have to go to the vet. They transferred me to the vet, the vet said they told the lady Nikki's age and that was it, she then left with the dog. I told the vet she had a tag and they were flabbergasted they said "She had a tag?" they couldn't believe that the lady brought her in if she had a tag on. They were as confused as I was.

In the meantime Jamin calls me back and said the lady (not her husband) would meet me at the parking lot of a local grocery store to give me the dog back. Jamin wasn't about to let that guy near me. So I head up there and get my dog back.

This lady had every intention of keeping my dog, until we threatened to call the police, because she assumed she was not taken care of because she hadn't had a haircut in some time and assumed that we were poor owners.

This HAS to be one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me!